The end of my reading diet

Today I'm officially going off of my diet. I didn't do it perfectly, but I did do it. I guess it was an exercize in progress, not perfection. There were some gifts along the way. Like when I had agreed to meet a friend in a bookstore before I knew that I'd be on a reading diet. I walked around looking at peoople instead of books, and I saw a little girl who had found a book shaped like a treasure box. She was thrilled, and told her mother that she found treasure! Cute. I didn't do all the things I thought I'd get done when I wasn't reading. I didn't connect with people in the way that I planned. If you didn't get a phone call from me, know that I didn't call anyone else either. Overall, I'm glad for the experience, and now I'm glad I'm done. Now it's off to read my friends' blogs and then I'm going to the library.

Obsessing

3:30 am, and I'm obsessing about narcotics. I had oral surgery yesterday, which meant a prescription for narcotic pain medicine, my partner's drug of choice. I obsessed over whether to have the scrip filled, whether to discuss it with her, and what to do with the meds. I decided to fill it, not to discuss it but not to lie about it either. I won't say where I'm keeping it, in case she's found her way here.

Now I'm obsessing over what to do with the leftovers. I know that really, my only option is to trash them. I need to let go of them physically, and then I need to let go of the resentment that goes along with having no option except to trash them. I don't like the feelings that this is bringing up for me. I keep fighting with myself over putting my ugly feelings out there. My partner didn't choose this disease of addiction. If/when I find myself in pain again, I can go to the doctor and get another prescription. Throwing away a $10 bottle is really not a big deal. But it feels like a big deal to me. I'm just making myself crazier here, so I'm going to stop and try something else.

My Own F#%*ing Hallmark Card

One of my tasks for the Artist's Way has been to go on an Artist's Date once a week. It doesn't really matter what I do, but I only take me. Wednesday, I was having a particularly hard day, and I decided to take me to the Hallmark store, and buy myself my own hallmark card.

Part of the backstory is that A had shared a story about stomping on somebody's boundaries in a group she was participating in, literally, by stomping on something the other person had made with clay. She decided to make amends by making a similar item out of clay and by buying her a hallmark card as an apology. She took me with her to pick out the hallmark card. Meanwhile, she'd been trouncing all over my boundaries, too, and I expressed to somebody else that I want a fucking hallmark card. Of course, I didn't tell A that she'd trounced my boundaries, let alone that I'd have appreciated getting my own card.

Anyway, fast forward to Wednesday, when my boundaries had been repeatedly trounced, which had resulted in my screaming, and I still wasn't getting my needs met. I decided to go to the Hallmark store and pick out a card from me to me. Here's what it said:

I have a right to be accepted just as I am. I have a right to be heard, because I matter. I have a right to be respected, because I deserve it. I have a right to be loved...... And you are.

And here's what I wrote inside:

Dear me,

You do have a right to be accepted. And I accept all of you and your perfectly imperfect self. You do have a right to be heard. And I will listen to you. And I will hear you. And I will give you a voice, even when it's hard. Because you DO MATTER!! You do have a right to be respected. And I will respect you. And I will stand up for you. And I will stop accepting unacceptable behavior. Because I do deserve more. I have a right to be loved. And Iam. And I'll do a better job of loving me. I'm really, really good at unconditional love, except where you're concerned. So I'm truly sorry for not taking good care of you. And I intend to amend that behavior. I love you, (insert name here), forever. NO MATTER WHAT!!! Love, me.

I SCREAMED

It was a week ago today that I screamed, and my voice is still broken. I almost never raise my voice and I don't think I've ever screamed like this. I'd tried all the tools in my toolbox and I still wasn't being heard. I'd been being rational in the face of irrationality and I'd pushed me down and down and down, hoping that eventually I'd get a turn and I'd be heard, but nothing was working. So I screamed. I wish I could say that it worked, and that I got what I needed. It was 3 days after that that I finally felt like I was heard by my significant other. But here's the amazing part. I was apparently heard by ME. Go figure. And good stuff has come from that.

Declaring my Intention: Reading Diet

Given the fact that many of you are like me who assumes when somebody disappears that I did something to make them go, I am declaring my intention.

Some of you may know that along with my 36 steps, I've now picked up a tradition study (thank you, Scout) and now a group book study of The Artist's Way. Our task this week is to go on a 1 week reading deprivation. I'm not willing to do a total deprivation, but I will try to do a week's worth of Reading Diet. I'm supposed to spend a week not reading anything. That's supposed to include the newspaper, work or school related readings. I guess the concept is that I'm supposed to free up time and fill it creatively. My intention is to give up reading blogs for a week along with books and any other print. I'm not planning on giving up email, so you can reach me that way if you want. I hope I'm going to increase my writing during this time, so hopefully you'll see me return to writing here. Since I'm choosing not to give up email, I'll get comments and I'll write back if I know your email addy. (Look at me, breaking a rule. JW, are ya proud?) I'd like to spend more time on the phone this week, so if I have your phone number, don't be surprised if you get a call this week.

more truth about lying

So I went to write today and realized that the last time I wrote I was struggling with the same exact issue that I'm struggling with today. Today, my partner was again too sick to go to work but not too sick to go to therapy. But today, we both handled it better. I owned my feelings with her and then let them go. And she came home tonight and apologized to me. She told me that she did have a stomachache this morning but that she wasn't too sick to go to work. She also acknowledged that she'd lied to me last night when she told me she had rememembered a promise she'd made to me. Her therapist had worked through a relapse symptoms list with her, and she asked me to fill it out too. She owned her shit. She said that she's not using, but that she's just hanging on. And then she talked to me about the effects that she imagined her behaviors were having on me. She told me that she imagined I was feeling unimportant and unloved. All of this came without prompting from me. Then she took herself to a meeting.

It helps when she comes to me in honesty. It helps that she's writing her own relapse prevention plan. It helps that she took herself to a meeting. It helps that she's acknowledging the effects of her behavior on me.

Here's the scary of today. Part of her plan includes whether she's willing to go to treatment if she does end up relapsing. She has told me that she's jealous of people who got to go to inpatient treatment. For her, it's not a deterrent, it's an attraction. I've already got dollar signs and being left home with all the responsibilities in my head. Am I projecting? Yep. Is it realistic? Prolly. Is there anything I can do? Nope.

Anyway, that's where I am today.

It's NOT about ME??????

Jay got me thinking today, with her post, It's Not About Me. Her post was about reproductive rights and parental notification laws. She spoke beautifully (as always) about wanting to be the mother that her daughter would come to, but that it's more important that her daughter get what she needs in the way of information, birth control, and if it comes to it, abortion, whether or not she feels safe confiding in her mother. She also wanted to make sure that her daughter receives nurturing and emotional support, even if that support doesn't come from Jay.

Like I said, it got me thinking. A dear friend is struggling right now, and happens to be geographically with her family, who is not aware of her struggles. The issue has nothing to do with reproduction, but Jay's message of "it's not about me(the mom)" is well taken. My friend and I talked a bit about it last night. She said that she wished she could get nurturing from her mom around this issue, but she can't because her mom doesn't know anything about it. I asked her who she was trying to protect, herself or her mom. She said both. I told her that if I were her mom, and I got a vote, I'd prefer NOT to be protected but rather to be included in my daughter's life. I believe that to be true for any mom. But here's the part I'm not sure I expressed strongly enough, that Jay said so eloquently. Friend, it's not about your mom. Do whatever you need to do to take care of you. If that means working through the mess to let your mom in, do that. If that means finding other places to get your nurturing, do that. I know that you're going to do whatever you're going to do regardless of what I say. I'm just not sure that I said loudly enough that I support you and I'm here for you, whatever you decide.

Meanwhile, there's another struggle that's harder for me, b/c the struggle is about whether it IS about me. My partner is working through some really hard stuff right now. For her, the physical and emotional often get tied together. Yesterday, she decided that she was too sick to go to work. Actually, she mentioned to me that she was running late, she started to go to work, and she turned around outside the neighborhood and came home. In the afternoon, she decided that she wasn't too sick to go to therapy, and spent over 4 hours between driving and being there. Then, she decided she was too sick to go to a party we'd been looking forward to going to together with friends in recovery.

OK, here's what IS about me. My feelings are about me. They can be (and are) messy, but they're mine. I feel scared when she doesn't go to work. I feel distrusting, when I don't know if I'm getting the whole story. My imagining is that if she hadn't been running late, she wouldn't have turned around to come home. I have conflicted feelings about her going to therapy. On the one hand, I'm really glad she pushed herself to go, b/c the more she takes care of herself, the better we are. And we really ARE better lately, even when she's going through hard stuff. I feel unimportant when she'll push through to go to her own therapy when she's sick, but cancels when she decides she's too sick or even when she decides I'm too sick to go to ours. I have conflicted feelings about the party too. On the one hand, I'm glad she was honest and said that she didn't want to go rather than NOT expressing it. On the other hand, she is so often sick when it's time for us to do something together that we've been planning. And I'm feeling scared, b/c we're planning a HUGE expensive trip together soon, and she's cancelled a few big expensive trips at the last minute b/c of illness. I'm also feeling selfish and ungrateful for even feeling these feelings. And I'm feeling confused about whether to express them.

Where I started with this part of this post, before I let myself get all bogged down in my own feelings, was with thinking about "it's not about me." I do get all self-absorbed. She's going through some hard stuff. And her hard stuff really is NOT about me. Hmmm. Maybe I'll go call my sponsor.